Having worked in student services for five plus years now, I’ve learned that during particularly tedious times in the quarter you MUST find your own source of entertainment or face becoming bitter and depressed. That being said, I’d like to give big hug and thank you to the students over the years who have chosen particularly entertaining email handles. You have sparked me imagination and allowed me to build characters around who I think you might be. While you may not get a job with handles like these, I’ve got to give you an A for flair and creativity. I’ve compiled a list of questions for my favorite email handles which I hope to send to you someday, along with your academic probation letters.

 

Dear ihatenoodles@______,

Every time your handle bubbles up, I have so many things I’d like to ask you:

1. Was there a traumatic time in your life you were forced to eat noodles?
2. Is it this specific incident that drove you to pluck this name out of your subconscious and apply it to your personal email account?
3. Are there any types of noodles you do like? Rice but not wheat, perhaps?
4. Did noodles lead to a weight gain that perhaps had you being bullied by your peers?
5. What is your favorite food?
6. In your expert opinion, what is worse than noodles?

 

Dear supertoned@ _______,

Your handle tells me a lot about your value system. I have just a few questions for you unrelated to being on academic suspension.

1. Is being super toned a a goal you feel you’ve achieved, a past goal you’ve maintained or future goal you hope to achieve?
2. I think you should meet ihatenoodles. He clearly values maintaining his figure by abhoring carbohydrates publicly.
3. Do you ever worry you’ve set the bar too high? What if you can’t maintain this because it means adopting the diet of a baby bunny? It’s not about discipline, it’s a miserable life. Perhaps you could change your handle to mediumtoned and not have to worry about the soft months around the holidays? Also, I’m pretty sure ihatenoodles is single and looking for a date. If you’re single too, you might really enjoy a night out together being super toned and abhorring noodles together.

 

Dear Oops_just_got_blessed@_______,

 

I’ve created your character as someone who revels in consistently reminding others you were born better than them. Your instagram account has pictures of you in full MAC face and blowout bar styled “bed head” captioning Woke up like this #blessed.  Here are my questions for you:

1. How would you describe life before the big blessing?
2. Did lightning strike near you when you “just got blessed”?
3. How much money is in your bank account?
4. Did you earn it yourself?
5. Who is your sugar daddy and can I have his email address, please? #jelly

 

Dear extremesoftball69@__________,

 

In order to finally put the ambiguity to bed, I have just one question.

1. How lesbian is too lesbian?

 

Dear lisagiggles22@______,

I’m not sure I’d have fun at lunch with you if you just giggled the whole time. I’m sure you’re smarter than your handle lets on yet you feel the need to be perceived as cute. Grown a$$ women don’t giggle. Babies giggle. Now I think I feel sorry for you. As you can see, your handle has gotten me all worked up for no good reason. Here are my questions for you:

1. What is more important, being perceived as smart or cute?
2. What do you do in your free time, when you’re not giggling?
3. Have you ever tilted your head in a photo to look cuter than you are? (You should try it. It creates an innocent cute, come hither look).
4. Would you describe your mother as Theresagiggles44@______ ? In other words, is this a genetic condition?

 

Dear olivialittlesmartie@_______,

I’m not sure we’d get along. It appears your handle masks your biggest fear, oliviabigdummy@________. I think I feel sad for you too. I fear you’re advertising your cuteness over your intelligence as well. Here are my questions for you:

1. What is more important, being perceived as smart or cute?
2. OH WAIT, are you a candy?!?!? If you are in fact a candy known as smartie, don’t diminish who you are by claiming or longing to be little. It’s not a good look on women.
3. Have you been formally introduced to lisagiggles22@ _________? I’m starting a self-esteem workshop for you both. I think you may end up becoming good friends out of this.

 

Dear portiadontforget@______,

 

Your handle has always been my favorite. My imagination runs more wild than a pack of elementary school kids who have just been told recess is cancelled. I believe this may have been a genius handle creation on your part, threatening authority who receive emails from you with an undertone of “I will hunt you down if you don’t give me what I want.” I have sooo many questions for you, but since I know your time is limited I’ve revised my list to my most burning questions only.

1. Portia, I’m sorry you’ve been wronged in the past. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
2. If I’m reading too much into this, are you simply insinuating you are an organized, on the ball student with sound cognitive retention?
3. Just remember, never trust any man named Wayne or Dwayne. My mama taught me that. If it was Dwayne, who wronged you what will it take to move past Dwayne’s deception and finally heal?