This past spring was a new experience for us. It was the first time our oldest was invited to classmates birthday parties. We attended out first 4 year old birthday party at the end of March and it felt strange socializing out into the world again. Pandemic was starting to loosen its grip on the community after the winter surge and everyone was feeling more comfortable going to gatherings (most still masked). We had all gotten the Omicron variant in February so we were also feeling a bit braver attending group settings. As parents, we were excited to see Mateo attend birthday parties because turning 3 was in lockdown.

The first 4 year old birthday party we attended set the bar high. The family rented space by the carousel on the pier and threw a Little Mermaid themed party for their daughter. The classmates got wristbands for unlimited carousel rides and there were all these cute little toddler sized tables with turquoise table clothes decorated for under the sea vibes. Damn, I thought. This is well done. I have a couple of months to figure out Mateo’s party.

I love to entertain and I love party planning. In a previous life I worked as a wedding event planner’s assistant in Chicago.  By the time my own wedding came around a decade later,  I had a reference point of what wedding flower rates, venue rates, entertainment rates etc were for this kind of affair. It turns out children’s birthday parties in West LA often are professional events in their own right and it appears there is no budget cap.

There we are, under the sea and I found myself mesmerized by the color coordination and overwhelmed at putting the same amount of work into a party. No sooner had I gotten my head out of the clouds and back in the ocean where it belonged, in walked Ariel. She looked like a Disneyland Ariel and sounded like a Broadway star.  Mila and I were mesmerized by her voice. I had an immediate flashback to all the sad sack Santa’s at the mall we used to visit as kids. Most of them smelled like cigarettes and booze. Now that I think about it, I’d never seen this level of children’s entertainment,.  After the party I asked the parents where they found such magical entertainment. She directed me to a youtube channel where you can see and hear all the characters voices before booking. It felt like I was reviewing audition tapes. I went home that night and started down my youtube rabbit hole of Disney entertainment. I went to the website. Ariel made $400 for one hour!  I began to wonder if there was any need for a tired, chubby mom who could sing so I could have a side hustle like Ariel. STAY FOCUSED, HANNAH!

Slowly it began to sink in that I had unknowingly entered the parenting rat race. I did what I always do when I panic. I searched for my rock. WHERE’S LARRY?!?

Me: We need to talk. What precedent do we want to set by throwing a super lavish party for our first child when we have 3 more kids who will eventually expect the same? What kind of parents are we? What are we willing to pay more for and what just seems absolutely ridiculous?

Larry: Not looking up from his computer. What kind of prices are we talking about?

Me: Pulls up professional kids bday all inclusive websites and shows prices

Larry: Ummmm no. Not happening. Goes back to looking at his computer.

Me: Right?!? It gets better. How much do you think Ariel made for 1 hour?

Larry: $100

Me: Try 4x that.

Larry: WTF! A wide eyed owl who now makes direct eye contact and holds the stare. 

Me: I’ve got your attention now don’t I?

 

The answer in my heart was, this is all ridiculous for a 4 year old. I don’t know what I’m going to do for an older kids who really really wants something and will remember said something for the rest of his life. But for now, this seems too extravagant for such a young age. Party planning naturally happened from there. I was not renting a venue. I was offended upon finding out you have to pay to rent cement picnic tables at any local park. Backyard party it is.  Do I love professional fondant cakes? Yes. But if I didn’t have a fondant cake for my own wedding, my 4 year old is definitely not getting one. Generic rainbow Costco sheet cake it is; complete with Paw Patrol figurines I found strewn about the house. Food? Probably dominoes and Costco juice boxes and snacks. Alcohol? Yea let’s be cool and have beer because it’s at our house and being a parent at a 4 year old bday party is torture in and of itself. The parents will appreciate a beer. Balloons? I can do them myself. That turned into an even bigger YES, when I learned there is a helium shortage at every balloon store in Los Angeles.

The final section of planning I was stuck on. Entertainment or no entertainment? What I had observed was almost every birthday party we attended there was some form of entertainment– Ariel, a bubble magician, bounce houses, someone facilitating ceramic painting. I realized that when you group a bunch of 4 year olds together outside of their classroom routine they really don’t mingle.  Okay so maybe an hour of entertainment would be worth it. So $400/hr Disney singers are out. But wherever I looked in my area everything was so expensive. Finally, I got a lead on a reasonably priced clown company. According to their website I could book a “cute, bouncy, friendly, approachable and adorable girl clown” as the website described for $120 for 1.5 hrs. Tell me more! I called the owner. She said yes, indeed it was true. This too good to be true female clown would arrive and do balloon twisting, face painting and a magic show for that price tag. Hot damn, I thought. Now I just have to sell the biggest clown hater of all: Larry.

Me: Babe, so remember how I told you Ariel was $400 an hour? I looked at a bunch of other entertainment and it’s all minimum $300 for an hour whether it’s a dressed up character, a singer, a magician etc. But, I found a very multitalented ENTERTAINER who will drive here from OC and do face painting, balloon twisting, AND a magic show for $120.

Larry: Can you show me a website?

Me: Why?

Larry: I’m more of a visual person.

I pull up website

Larry: It’s a clown. Am I understanding this correctly?

Me: Points to description

Me: But did you read it? It’s a “cute, bouncy, friendly, adorable and adorable girl clown”

Larry: I don’t think you mentioned a clown in your opening sales pitch. Does Mateo like clowns? I mean does anyone like clowns? I dunno, babe. Clowns are scary to small children.

Me: I can sell Mateo on this clown. Trust me. We will NEVER find a better deal than this clown. Let’s try it out and I’m tracking budget items so we can see where we land having thrown our first birthday party for the outside world.

Larry: You do remember I’m reading It right now? Is that where you got your inspiration from?

Both laugh

Larry: Okay, discount clown it is.

 

At breakfast the next morning:

Mateo: When is it gonna be MY birthday?

Me: One more month and it’s Paw Patrol backyard bonanza! I hired this really neat entertainer who is coming to make balloon animals, and paint your face and put on a magic show for you and your friends.

Mateo: What’s an entertainer?

Me: Like a person who comes and has a lot of talent…

Mateo: Marshall from Paw Patrol is coming to my party to make balloon animals?

Me: Well not exactly

Mateo: Who is the entertainer?

Me: A “cute, bouncy, friendly, adorable and approachable girl clown”

Mateo: NOOOOOO!

Me: It’ll be so fun. Your friends will love her!

Mateo: I DON’T LIKE CLOWNS!