engagement

My Parents’ Wedding Day

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Mom and Dad Wedding Day

Mom and Dad’s Wedding Day

My parents aren’t married anymore and I’m totally cool with it. From my perspective their union was very one sided as far as nurturing what makes the other’s spirit soar. It was only a matter of time until the whole thing imploded. They were married for close to 30 years and the end was total destruction. It ripped apart our extended family and left a gaping hole in in my heart and my brothers’ hearts.  Seeing as the end was so messy when I look back on these pictures of them on their wedding day I want to know what they loved about each other on that day. I want to know what they pledged whole heartedly on that day to each other. I want to jump inside the heads of the extended family and know how they truly felt about their union. That’s the funny thing about the past, memory, and perspective: The story changes the further you get from it.

Natural beauty

Natural beauty

Handsome Groom

Handsome Groom

Serious Groom

Serious Groom

Here’s what I see when I look at mom and dad’s wedding pictures:

  • They were so attractive. My mom looks like a goddess with long dark hair and my dad looks like a pretty boy band poster boy.
  • My dad has a look of searching and intensity and a wild eyed look about him. His eyes say it all. He’s not happy with himself. He’s his own worst enemy.
  • My mom looked like she wanted everything to work and everyone to be happy. Deep down, did she feel in over her head? Did he truly make her happy or did she marry him because she so desperately wanted to make him happy?

I’m not claiming to know the intricacies that go into trying to make a marriage work or if it’s better to recognize its expiration date than to deny happiness. The only thing I do know is I want to try. I want to whole heartedly try spending a lifetime with the person I’ve waited for so long to meet.

girl and fiance as wedding guests

What will we remember from our wedding day?

I want to put in the work. Maybe I’m like every other fool who believes in love that lasts a lifetime. I’m typically a skeptical romantic but I’m choosing to put skepticism aside for experience. I want to look back on my life and be glad I took a risk or two instead of sitting safely on the sidelines. I can’t believe I’m choosing tradition. I hope I can remember and capture what my wedding means to me and be able to recount just how much I love my husband and future father of my children. I want to always honor my past because it is what makes my existence unique. It is the fabric of my identity and what makes life interesting.

Adventures in Engagement Photos (part 2)

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The day of the photo shoot, signed us both up for the Coronado Navy Bridge run. Why? Because it’s an awesome 4 mile race with friends. I wasn’t going to sit at home and attempt to be pretty all day. A girl’s got to exercise too!

Runners over bridge

Coronado Navy Bridge Run

We scooted home after crossing the finish line and shortly thereafter I had my first experience getting my makeup done by a professional. Loli Romo is like that edgy cool chick I always wanted to be but didn’t have the guts to try. Or the cool older sister I always wanted.  She’s incredible, talented and has been doing NY fashion week and print makeup for years. I was so psyched to get her a recommendation and even more psyched that I liked her as a person.

So I hand over my face and am like, “Girl, you’re the real thing. Do your thing.” She proceeds to take out about fifty blending brushes and buckets of makeup and does her Bob Ross thing. “You want soft trees? Yes, let’s add soft trees to the mountains.” Other thoughts included, why does my face need so much blending? Is it that splotchy? Once complete, I turned and looked in the mirror thinking I might just see J-Lo staring back and instead I saw a shaded clown. “Don’t worry, it’s shocking when you first see it but it photographs like a dream.” Um, was she joking? Am I being punked right now? Remember Han, “YOU are a flexible bride” (insert air quotes motion with fingers here). She then sprayed something magical and slightly wet on my face and the colors settled into a gorgeous better version of my skin with eyes and lips standing out. Voila, freak out avoided! I AM A FLEXIBLE BRIDE!

Larry and I popped a bottle of orange champagne (an engagement gift from a friend) and toasted to a fun shoot. I also casually used the time as a way to be competitive with him and assert the fact that I was going to smoke the photo shoot with my casual cool nature. Here’s the thing with my fiancé, he never engages in competition with me and the joke is always on me. ALWAYS.  I had assumed he would be stiff and semi awkward at the shoot so it was my idea to get the bubbly flowing because I certainly didn’t need it but he did.

I was the one who felt awkward in the beginning and followed his lead flirting and leaning and laughing. I asked him if he had a modeling past he never told me about. This has been our relationship in a nutshell, I never give him credit doing stuff outside of working and he always blows me away with how he really is good at everything he puts his mind to.

We arrive at the San Diego Rowing club (location 1 of 2) and Sydney Prather of Crowded Elevator Photography and Alyssa from Alyssa Marie Films met us there. If Loli were that cool older sister I always wanted to have, Sydney was that YOLO younger sister I’d be jealous of. Both Sydney and Alyssa were cool and easy to work with and they let us get into a rhythm of flirting and joking until we forgot they were even there.

beach engagement photos

Photo credit: Sydney Prather/Crowded Elevator Photography/Alyssa Marie Films

Okay, let’s talk about getting into that rhythm. I think Larry maybe was a model in his past and is just too humble to tell me about it. That man, falls right in on cue and is laughing and flirting and I’m intoxicated on way too much champagne and feeling dialed out of my body as opposed to occupying it. All of my talking crap and this is what I get. Karma. Thankfully, he set the tone and took the lead and I loosened up and we found a rhythm. A major difference between me and Larry: Anything he puts his mind to, he’s always good at. I struggle with the vision and awkwardly stumble through the execution but I will practice endlessly until I feel I’ve got a handle on something. We had fun changing in the car trying not to flash the crowd at Wind n Sea and joking about how rough it is to be a model. The true star of the shoot was Frankie. He ran across the sand digging for crabs and would come up with a snout full of sand and even more sass on his face. If I could’ve let Frankie stand in for me as bride to be, I would have. Afterwards, we went to a nice dinner reserved by a friend and she sent over a bottle of champagne! I was so touched by the kind gesture I started crying and then this bleary eyed picture was snapped.

celebration engagement dinner

Cucina Urbana

What I loved about the experience was the unexpected joys I felt and the way in which we both got to exist in the moment. The day itself is like a secret between the three of us and I hope someday my babies look at the photos and daydream about who we were back when we were cool, in love, and without kids.

Action Steps:

1. Don’t talk crap about being better than your fiancé in a photo shoot. Or if you do, be prepared to lose.

2. Sometimes you gotta look like a clown to then look like a photo shoot diva!

3. You’ve prepped, you’ve planned, you’re there. Enjoy the person you’re with and the moments only you two get to experience: the sand beneath your toes and the love in your hearts.

Adventures in Engagement Photos (part 1)

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engagement photo

photo credit: Sydney Prather of Crowded Elevator Photography

Okay, I can hear the voices against couples doing engagement photos: “Engagement photos didn’t exist when the generations before me got married. Who needs that many photos of themselves? How narcissistic…”

I’m loud and proud in saying I love photographs! In part I believe it is because I have a terrible memory and most of my memories are recreated based on photos. I also think it is because photos spark a creativity in me. As a kid I used to pour over my parents wedding album and imagine what they were saying to each other. I wondered who they were way back when before they had kids. I liked to imagine they had this free as a bird, hippie, kind of love. It was old family photographs that made me fall in love with love.

So when it came to engagement photos I found a great deal on recommended photographer, Sydney Prather, of Crowded Elevator Photography, and figured I’d slap together a few outfits, make sure Frankie was with us and we’d call it a photo shoot.

Here’s what surprised me:

  1. Planning for 2 people and a dog to take a photo shoot was a lot more work on the back end than expected.
  2. I had so much fun at this photo shoot! It’s definitely the most fun I’ve had in the road to getting hitched so far.

The checklist started with outfit planning:

  • Casual outfit 1- me
  • Casual outfit 1- Larry
  • Casual outfit 2- me
  • Casual outfit 2- Larry
  • Bow tie for entire shoot- Frankie
  • Dressy outfit 1- me
  • Dressy outfit 1- Larry

My mom happened to be shopping the dress section at TJ Maxx and scored a black and white romper, orange and white striped nautical looking dress, and embellished LBD (little black dress) she casually wanted me to try on for various occasions. When I went to visit her I was like, “Way to go, Mom! You didn’t even know it but I’m just going to roll with these as my engagement photo looks.” She responded with, “What is Larry wearing?” Ah yes, the “What is Larry wearing?” was the million dollar question. Larry, my love, is incredibly good at passing the buck and distinguishing between what is his realm and what he just doesn’t want to have to determine based on work obligations etc. He gladly handed me the planning and naturally Mom and I hit Macy’s for black slacks, a white button down and a black tie. He had a nice purple shirt and a teal plaid shirt with dark jeans for his two casual looks. Well my job is done here. I thought after a weekend of outfit planning at Mom’s I’d got the rest covered.

larry dressing1

Then I realized there’s grooming involved:

  • Hair trim- Me & Larry
  • Grooming (puppy cut)- Frankie
  • Nails- Boys need ‘em trimmed, mani/pedi for me
  • Hair styling product- Larry
  • Hair styling tools and product- Me

Getting my hair trimmed sitting in my girlfriend’s styling chair she and the stylist next to her asked me who was doing my make up for my engagement shoot? Naturally, I responded with,

“Me. I do a great job with makeup.” I was met with blank stares (INSERT cricket noises here).

“No, I can’t do my own makeup?”

“Well you can but it’s different in photos you put on way more than you would daily and you look ‘natural.’”

“Oh.”

Action Steps:

1. There’s a legitimate amount of thought that goes into planning a photo shoot. If you’re not into photos it may not be worth it.

2. Network with your trusted girlfriends for photographers, make-up artists and vendors in general. I’m finding some of the coolest small business owners thanks to friend’s recommendations

3. If the future groom trusts you whole heartedly and leaves the planning in your hands it’s often easier than talking through every small decision such as “Is navy and orange too matchy matchy?” or “Does orange and lavender even go together?” Be happy you’ve got the reigns and that he trusts you.

Becoming a Flexible Bride

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Each night before bed I sit on my yoga mat in the corner of my bedroom and well, I don’t do yoga. I close my eyes and visualize goals. Most recently I’ve been visualizing a lot about my wedding. Having to make a series of big decisions at once has never really been an issue for me but flexibility with a vision has. I’ll admit it’s not easy to veer from an idea of what I want my wedding to look like. The inspirational pictures and web links I’ve saved are like old friends who I’m suddenly disinviting from making their appearance on the big day. Here are a few initial surprise I’ve felt in the planning process thus far:

Surprise #1: I’ve been engaged for almost 2 months and I made some serious moves with my mom and Nai Nai to get a popular venue I’ve had my eye on that I also know books out at least a year in advance. Of course I already had pretty set idea on what colors I envisioned (black, white, gold and fuchsia) but when I saw the space in person the color scheme of the room would clash. I thought about bouncing to a more formal space I thought I wanted black and white with pops of hot pink. The space I chose has natural wood and earth colors (picture the lobby of an earth friendly hotel in Boulder, CO). “YES, I am a flexible bride.” Okay, so lighter colored linens and flowers to lighten up the space it is. And yet I mourned the loss of my loud and proud color friends.

black and white table

Surprise # 2: After locking in the venue I veered right off Wedding Planning List my Maid of Honor sent me and put down my credit card for a dress on a browsing session: first store, first dress I tried on. I thought I wanted more of a bombshell look and I ended up falling in love with a dress far more traditional. Thinking about it now, I wonder if I’ll regret the purchase by next year? What I love the most about my dress is the way I feel when I’m in it. I feel like a more beautiful version of myself.

sofia-vergara-white-dress-emmys-2014-h724

Surprise #3: I had no idea it takes six plus months to order and make a wedding dress. Who’s makes these dresses? Tiny little elves spinning white thread out of gold? I assumed all sizes were stocked in the back and I’d stroll out of there with new found prize in hand. Another thing that surprised me dress shopping was the silhouette I chose was not what I envisioned at all. I’d saved all of these pictures of a particular silhouette but when I tried this style on I just didn’t feel like me.

Action Steps:

1) I’ve learned to let go of an overly specific wedding vision. So what if my venue isn’t complimentary with fuchsia, black and white? The bigger question was what was the feeling these colors give me? By adjusting my thinking to choosing floral in a space that still creates elegance but isn’t stuffy helped me to not lose my $%#& completely.

2) If you ARE losing your $%#& completely (visibly or internalizing it) over a particular detail clearly it is important to you.  I’d had to choose between original color ideas or venue. If I felt inner turmoil at letting my original colors go I probably would’ve walked from the venue and found a more modern space that fit a more modern color scheme.

3) Be open to trying all types of wedding gowns even if you only save pictures and daydream about one particular silhouette. Be open minded and look for the dress that makes you feel like a more beautiful version of YOU. Not you trying to be Sophia Vergara.

Healthy Plane Travel (Part 2)

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Without emotional health there is no health. So let’s talk emotional health while traveling on a plane, shall we? Yesterday I flew to Philadelphia on the first flight of the morning. Here’s my issue with crack of dawn flights: The day before flying, as soon as I clock out at work, I’m like “Whoop whoop! I’m on vacation.” I ALWAYS have to express my newfound freedom from a consistent schedule by staying up as late as possible. Last night after work I worked out, went to dinner with friends, packed, re-organized my purse, cleaned my ring, watched Game of Thrones, flipped through magazines, re-watched Game of Thrones because I wasn’t paying good enough attention and did laundry. This took me right up until 11:45 pm. I get the biggest high staying up past my bedtime on vacation days. Freedom is important to me, apparently.

plane

 As a result, when my alarm went off at 430 am there was no amount of coffee I could chug to keep me from feeling like I was hung over I was so tired. By the time I waited to board at 600 am, it felt like lunch time to my body. I could feel the Grumpapotamos rising inside as I noticed the insane crowd around me with the same objective: board this plane ASAP to get space for my carry on and sleep off this hang over feeling. Now remember, I’m heading to Philly, where I’ve recently learned, all kinds of characters are made. One guy was clogging up the line dancing to blaring music in his headphones. The guys behind him started yelling at him to “move it” as if they could compete with the volume of what I’d guess to be reggae music by the sway in his dance moves. To make matters worse he was making it super awkward for people to pass him because he was dancing in a lateral fashion. I have minimal patience for crowds, slow walking people in front of me, and general a$$holes in airports. People were cutting each other in line and arguing for overhead compartment space once on the plane.

In times like this one, I like to play a game with myself called Aloha Spirit. If you’ve ever seen a plane loading to take off for Hawaii ain’t no one in a rush. They line up neatly and will always allow people who were not paying attention to the boarding calls step in front of them. Aloha spirit game is defined as me repeating “Aloha Oe” song over and over in my head to calm myself down and not react to the chaos surrounding me. The chorus goes, “Aloha Oe, Aloha Oe, until we meet again!” When Aloha Spirit doesn’t work, thank God there’s chocolate in my nut mixes.

Action Steps

1) Practice healthy habits so you do feel less like coming unhinged when someone cuts you in line to bored

2) If you do experience an flare up of anger ask yourself: Is this a fight worth fighting for?

3) If you’re traveling with your partner, friends or family be kind. It’s your responsibility to not take your frustrations out on them just because you’re HANGRY.

Healthy Plane Travel (Part 1)

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It saddens me that it takes so much planning to keep a travel day a healthy day. Nothing puts me in a worse mood than not having healthy options and being forced to pay for a $20 salad made of iceberg lettuce, croutons and strips of processed lunchmeat.

Here are some essentials I never get on a plane without:

My own water bottle–Chug one on your way to the airport, bring it through security empty and refill before you get on the plane.

Unsalted cashews and if I need a little more pizzazz in my life I love the sea salt and vinegar almonds from Sprouts.

My favorite chocolate nut mix from Trader Joes in case I am tempted by junky airport/airplane food called Happy Trekking: Almonds, cashews, pistachios, chocolate, cranberries, cherries.

Satisfies any and all chocolate cravings

Satisfies any and all chocolate cravings

I also like to pack a sandwich. Note: I don’t usually eat sandwiches unless I’m traveling. I like the neatness of eating half a sandwich on the plane and having the option for eating the other half later. I also don’t mind eating a sandwich at room temperature. Don’t use tomato or veggies that squish easily and contain a lot of water.

What if it’s just too hard to be Penny Perfect Planner the day before traveling? You’re screwed. Nah, just kidding!

Here are food/drink items I’ll buy in an airport in a pinch:

A protein style burger wrapped in lettuce—mustard, yes. Mayo, no. Easy on the ketchup if you must. Load up on the veggies.

Water- Not the giant bottle that won’t fit in your bag but a mid sized bottle you can refill multiple times. Try and chug as your standing by the water fountain to refill. Chug half, refill, repeat.

Coffee- Black. Avoid the new Starbucks coconut milk it’s not REAL coconut milk. All kinds of nasty stuff in it. Need some pizzaz? Sprinkle cinnamon in it.

Action Steps:

1. If you can plan your plane snacks and hydration before traveling it’s more cost efficient and generally better for you.

2. If it comes down to game time food decisions in airports keep within the general strategy of minimizing sugar, maximizing protein, watching the dairy and BIG emphasis on hydration.

3. Avoiding a sugar crash means a more stable mood, providing you with energy and patience you need in an airport (trust me).

Bulletproof Coffee: A Love Affair

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There is no shame in my game when admitting my love of and often desperation for coffee. I love the way it smells, tastes, and the ritual of brewing it. Even though I’m not a huge Foldgers fan. My have fond memories of my parents making Folgers every morning.  I usually hum the old commercial jingle as I make my own coffee, “The best part of waking up… is Foldgers in your cup!” Before bed, I religiously grind the beans and load my coffee maker set for auto brew at 6 am every morning (weekends included). When I wake up and the coffee is brewing, I down my lemon water (see my post Waking Up with Lemon Water) and a five minute intention setting for my day. After, I mosey back over and begin making bulletproof coffee.

 

 

I started drinking bulletproof as my first cup of the day because I wanted to take in more healthy fats throughout my day.  The idea behind buttery/oily coffee is an easy one: Ingesting good fat first thing in the morning provides energy and balances your hormonal system.  I personally like it because I feel full for about three hours after I drink a cup and I don’t feel the effects of a caffeine crash as sharply. It also is convenient. I start drinking my bulletproof coffee on the way to work and then don’t have to build in extra time before work to eat breakfast as I’m not feeling hungry until about three hours later.

Action Steps:

1. Grind bulletproof coffee beans and load coffee machine before bed. I order my beans from the Bulletproof website.

2. Blend 2 Tablespoons of grass fed butter. I like Kerry Gold Unsalted grass fed Butter in the silver foil and get it from Sprouts or Trader Joes.

3. Blend one tablespoon of MCT (medium-chain triglycerides) oil per one cup of coffee. I order this from the Bulletproof website and prefer using an immersion blender on the slowest setting.

The Proposal (part 2)

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catalina overview

Two and a half years into our relationship, his business was really taking off and it became clear to me that I needed to encourage him to go back to Chicago to lead his team as well as reassure him that I wasn’t going to go anywhere. I’ll never forget the night before he moved back. We were both scared and in tears hoping for the best outcome but internally preparing for the worst. To our surprise, he was happy to be back in the mix with his team and felt more satisfied on a day to day basis. This in turn, translated to a happier Larry and stronger relationship than either of us could have imagined. We didn’t know we were so strong as a couple and while I’m not a religious person, faith played a big role in it.

As our three year anniversary approached, Larry said he wanted plan a weekend getaway for us and that it was a surprise. Most would think, “Oh maybe I’m getting engaged?” Larry had conditioned this thought right out of me. We had been on trips to Paso Robles, Laguna Beach, Cabo San Lucas, Maui and Big Island. On each one of those I thought to be prepared with nails done and planned dressy outfits. As a little girl I’d always wondered what will I be wearing when I get engaged? So as the three year approached I told myself I was going to enjoy the surprise getaway and not worry about whether or not we were going to get engaged. He flew in on a Thursday morning which was unusual because he usually flies in on the same 7:30 pm arrival flight when he comes for the weekend. But he said he wanted to get his hair cut and run a few errands. I kept asking if he was here early if he wanted to go to lunch near my office but he basically said “Sorry, I’m busy.” I was texting him throughout the day with little response. A little butt hurt, I whined to my friend Arti at work. She said to relax and enjoy. I’m glad I listened.

When I arrived home after work, Larry told me we were taking the puppy and to pack warm weather clothes, a jacket and one nice outfit to go out to a nice dinner on Saturday night. Then he said the first stop was Long Beach to see my mom. I cracked a joke about how that’s just where I thought we were going to spend a romantic weekend away but he said we were taking Frankie there and staying overnight to arrive at our final destination on Friday. Friday morning we said goodbye to Mom and Frankie and it wasn’t until he pulled into Long Beach Harbor that I knew we were going to Catalina for the weekend!

The entire weekend he had everything planned and even a secret itinerary typed out he would refer to but I wasn’t allowed to see. We had coffee and ran in the morning, went zip lining in the afternoon and had drinks by the beach in the evening with a dinner we could easily walk to. I couldn’t believe how much thought he’d put into anticipating what I would like to do and giving us plenty of time to just wander together as well.

wine and cheese

I was particularly enthralled with the fact that our hotel put on a wine and cheese hour every evening from 4-6 pm. I made sure we booked it back to enjoy some people watching with wine in hand. On Saturday night before we headed to our celebratory dinner I put on a classic black dress and heels. As I was curling my hair and humming to myself, Larry asked me if I would like my anniversary gift. I responded with, “There’s more?!?” In that moment a flash of hope that this was a ring popped into my head. And then I held my breath and watched as he pulled out a necklace box. To compensate and mask my disappointment I fawned over the beautiful pearl necklace I had just received.

necklace

“Han, it’s okay,” I told myself. “He loves you so much but it’s not happening. That doesn’t mean this weekend isn’t amazing or you’re not loveable. If you feel that way you’re gonna need to go back to the therapist. Don’t let this rain on your enjoyment of being with your favorite person who has done all of this for you.” Then he said, “I got them because I thought you’d look beautiful in them and every woman should own a nice set of pearls.” I goo goo-ed and ga ga-ed over the necklace and came to the conclusion I was relieved the gift anticipation was over. I got a necklace! Whoo! Time to throw back a little more wine.

 

Action Steps:

1) Sometimes you gotta let your man take the lead and quit trying to be the boss all the time.

2) Decide what food is so enjoyable to you it will be consumed on vacation.  There was a lot of other junk I didn’t eat so I could rock that wine and cheese each night. Trust me.

3) Sometimes you want the ring and you end up with the necklace. Don’t let it spoil your fun!

The Proposal (part 1)

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beach couple

It has only been a month that I’ve been engaged and every time I wake up and realize I have a fiancé I am reborn as the happiest person on the planet. I finally know what it feels like. For almost twenty years I’ve wondered who I was going to marry, if I’d get a pretty ring, how I’d know he’s the one, what I’d be wearing when he asked, if I’d feel any regret after saying yes. JUST SO MANY QUESTIONS, LONGINGS and hoping to GOD someone might love me enough to one day propose. Turns out that someone is Larry Kiss and boy am I the lucky one in this equation.

I knew Larry was the one for me the night I met him. I didn’t predict that that meant we’d end up engaged but I knew that he was going to have a really hard time shaking me if he tried. He was a REAL MAN in every sense of the phrase: tall, dark and handsome but also self-assured without being boastful and I immediately loved that he conversed with an honesty and quiet confidence.  This wasn’t in the usual charming way I’d been accustomed to hearing but more a matter of fact, “I know I want to have kids someday and settle down.” I knew this guy was different because I innately trusted him. It scared me to believe that guy could come as put together as Larry and of course I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t put that to the test.  And I move quickly. SO within the first month I cross examined this man and sat back and observed if words and actions aligned. When it all lined up that this guy was legit I knew I had act. I asked him out on a paddle boarding date that turned into drinks, sushi dinner, more drinks, and a movie we both fell asleep in. It was an EPIC first date that set the course of our relationship.

After only six months of dating, we moved in together. Moving in meant having to share and be respectful of another person’s wants and needs within a space. Let’s just say he was better at it than I was. After the first month of moving in together we settled in and enjoyed our sweet life by the beach. It was the first time I ever felt like I had a home. The first time in 29 years I couldn’t wait to be home after work to share a domestic space with him. It was the first time in my adult life I got a Christmas tree and received the best surprise up until this point:frankie in car l's lap He was willing to get weekly allergy shots so we could adopt a puppy.  Our world became even brighter when we adopted Frankie, also affectionately known as Schmoopy, Hooey Hoo, and puppy wuppy.

Action Steps:

1) If you think he’s marriage material grill him if you need to. If he truly is, he will still be around and still interested.

2) If the person you are with makes you feel happy to come home and create a home that’s a very good sign.

3) What has he been willing to sacrifice for you? If you can think of a few examples this is evidence he’s not a total self-centered douche bag.