It used to sting a little bit when Father’s Day would roll around. There was this old Folger’s coffee commercial where the daughter sneaks downstairs in her robe and slippers in the morning for coffee but her dad has already made her breakfast and a cup of perfectly brewed coffee. The commercial fades out with the father/daughter duo smiling at each other enjoying their coffees at the kitchen table and the jingle plays, “The best part of waking up, is Foldgers in your cup!”

The idea that a father can be a daughter’s greatest protector, hero, and soft place to land when life gets hard used to make me want to cry or throw something at the TV when I’d see those father/daughter hallmark commercials. However, it’s easy to see a visual ideal and long for what you didn’t get: the caring husband, father, wife, mother, grandparent, boyfriend, girlfriend, sibling, son or daughter. I am not a victim and I do not believe in self-pity or using my experiences as an excuse to be a degenerate.

Over the course of the past 10 years I’ve adopt two beliefs that bring me comfort daily:

1. The gratitude I have for the family who love me and the family I’ve created through friendships out shadow any resentment I have towards my father. This circle is tight and I am protective over it. This happens when you and your core unit has been messed with in the past. To me, they are the light, the good, and the love in my world and as long as I have the strength to do so, I’ll protect them.

2. I believe to my core that my personal experiences both good and ugly are what make me brave, a fierce protector, a skeptic, a tough critic, an adaptable individual, a flawed soul, a doer, a story teller, a relatable human being and a truth seeker.

When you’re raised by a parent with the emotional maturity of a child you become forced to grow up too fast. You become savvy to manipulation too young. You become burdened by adult emotions and believe you are responsible for your parent’s happiness. If that parent happens to be of the opposite sex, something in you believes you are not worthy of love in romantic relationships. Conditional love could have driven me to total self-destruction. In my darkest moments, destructive thoughts should have led to more destructive behavior. Looking back on it, I don’t know where I got my strength from. God? My moral compass? I think my friendships saved me at some critical points of darkness. To this day, the power of friendship is something I value so highly because of this.

This past Father’s Day, it struck me how far I’ve come in my own healing process and for that I’m really proud. On Father’s Day, like every holiday, if none of his kids reach out to him, my father sends all of us a text instead. It’s meant to actively gain our attention that we missed showering him with attention on HIS day. Ten years ago, a guilt trip text like this caused me extreme stress. This year, I read it, deleted it, and felt active pity for a man who continues to seek attention if and when it suits his needs. It was nothing more than a blip on my radar and I had a wonderful day.

As an adult, I’m working on my knee jerk reaction when I see other adults acting immaturely. It’s like I take personal offense to it. When I see grown adults making poor decisions and blaming others or the situation or flat out denying their wrong doing I get angry. It makes me repeat my favorite line from Bridesmaids, “GET YOUR SH$T TOGETHER, CAROL!” I guess I get this visceral reaction because I had to live under immaturity for so long; because I was forced to sift for the truth out of BS since I was a young kid; because to me, it crosses a boundary that is just not okay. I have a hard time respecting those who blame others for their problems, or remain on the run hiding behind substance abuse or shape shifting their identities by adopting new lives, or those who deny the existence of a problem all together.

I’m not saying I expect perfection or that perfect is a good goal. I’m not saying I’m better than anyone else. I am asking you to own your story. That’s it. It’s not always easy but it’s freeing and others can relate to and learn from the struggles you are willing to share. When will you face the things you’re afraid of instead of lying to yourself and to others? People don’t like hearing the truth because it’s often ugly. If you don’t want to hear it, then OWN it. Get to your truth before others can.  Sit in the ugly and the shame and then put in the work to stop blaming yourself for what happened to you. We all have a story. Walk into your darkness, unafraid, and see how your story has made you BRAVE. See how it has made you worthy of LOVE and choose the more difficult path of self-improvement over denial. You didn’t have control over how your story began, but the middle and ending are up to you. Don’t ever stop striving to do one better.